The ivory tower
Mar. 12th, 2011 10:28 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kilroyI am so amazingly lucky to be as naive as I am. It's not just a privilege thing, although I have that in spades. It's also a cultural thing.
When I was a kid I was never trained to think of women as less than people, and I was isolated enough from the larger social culture that the pervasive messages along that line never stuck. The women in fiction around me didn't get enough play, but there was never anything that said girls couldn't do everything guys could. I assumed that the female characters were doing everything the male characters were, just off-stage somewhere. I liked Han Solo better than Princess Leia, but at the same time I was aware on some level that about half the time Leia would be able to kick his ass.
I've had female friends all my life. Not just "people that get invited to my birthday party" but actual friends-- people that I trusted and shared with. Not only that, but the women in my life have been on the whole blisteringly intelligent, wickedly funny, and willing to throw convention out the window at the drop of a hat. My entire high school experience was like that-- women who were right there with the guys being every bit as amazing as we were. Even if I had been brought up to discount women, my experience to the contrary was overwhelming.
And there's always been space in my life to explore the other side of gender. This one really is a special kind of privilege. My female friends have been willing to talk honestly about it and had the patience to keep asking and answering questions. I've known several active feminists who have repeatedly confronted me with my own social bias. As a writer and a roleplayer I've been allowed to dip my toe in the pool of being a woman and no one has ever criticized me for doing so.
Taken as a whole, this means that not only do I not have the "Pffft, women!" conception but I often forget that other people do. It just hasn't been a part of my life. When I'm reminded that I am in fact an anomaly in this regard, it always makes me feel guilty and sad. It's wonderful that I can think this way, but it isn't an excuse to ignore the people that don't.
My friends have started having kids now, and there's never been a question about them being raised to treat women as equals. It's foundational for us; we'd be doing it automatically even if we weren't thinking about it. What isn't so obvious is how we're going to teach our kids to deal with other people who aren't quite as even-minded. There's a lot of baggage involved in fighting for equality and I don't want to burden children with it, but I know that we can't teach them to just sit back and accept bigotry either.
I suspect that the best solution is going to be the one from the fairy tales. We raise them in the ivory tower so that they believe what we believe down to the core. But we make sure that there are windows. We take them outside, let them travel the land and see what life is like beyond the tower. That way when they're old enough they can decide for themselves whether they want to build towers of their own.
When I was a kid I was never trained to think of women as less than people, and I was isolated enough from the larger social culture that the pervasive messages along that line never stuck. The women in fiction around me didn't get enough play, but there was never anything that said girls couldn't do everything guys could. I assumed that the female characters were doing everything the male characters were, just off-stage somewhere. I liked Han Solo better than Princess Leia, but at the same time I was aware on some level that about half the time Leia would be able to kick his ass.
I've had female friends all my life. Not just "people that get invited to my birthday party" but actual friends-- people that I trusted and shared with. Not only that, but the women in my life have been on the whole blisteringly intelligent, wickedly funny, and willing to throw convention out the window at the drop of a hat. My entire high school experience was like that-- women who were right there with the guys being every bit as amazing as we were. Even if I had been brought up to discount women, my experience to the contrary was overwhelming.
And there's always been space in my life to explore the other side of gender. This one really is a special kind of privilege. My female friends have been willing to talk honestly about it and had the patience to keep asking and answering questions. I've known several active feminists who have repeatedly confronted me with my own social bias. As a writer and a roleplayer I've been allowed to dip my toe in the pool of being a woman and no one has ever criticized me for doing so.
Taken as a whole, this means that not only do I not have the "Pffft, women!" conception but I often forget that other people do. It just hasn't been a part of my life. When I'm reminded that I am in fact an anomaly in this regard, it always makes me feel guilty and sad. It's wonderful that I can think this way, but it isn't an excuse to ignore the people that don't.
My friends have started having kids now, and there's never been a question about them being raised to treat women as equals. It's foundational for us; we'd be doing it automatically even if we weren't thinking about it. What isn't so obvious is how we're going to teach our kids to deal with other people who aren't quite as even-minded. There's a lot of baggage involved in fighting for equality and I don't want to burden children with it, but I know that we can't teach them to just sit back and accept bigotry either.
I suspect that the best solution is going to be the one from the fairy tales. We raise them in the ivory tower so that they believe what we believe down to the core. But we make sure that there are windows. We take them outside, let them travel the land and see what life is like beyond the tower. That way when they're old enough they can decide for themselves whether they want to build towers of their own.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-03-12 06:54 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-03-12 08:01 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-03-12 08:46 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-03-12 08:55 pm (UTC)Thank you for reading.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-03-14 12:44 am (UTC)How do I raise my son to think this way?
It's easier to me to figure out how to tell a daughter she's just as good as any guy. It seems easier to tackle the problem head on with a daughter.
On the flip side, I'm less worried about trying to convince my son that he's as good as a girl. But how do I interweave into my parenting that girls are just as good as him? It's not something I expect to come up as directly as it would for a daughter--basically, I expect fewer clear "teaching moments", so how do I make sure he hears ME and not society? I need to spot when he is internalizing pressures applied to girls around him, and this seems a lot harder than spotting pressures applied directly.
I'm not known as the most observant person either....
(no subject)
Date: 2011-03-14 02:58 am (UTC)