Turning the crank

There's an accepted truism about creativity that you need to be able to let your mind wander sometimes to really be creative. But when you have anxiety, your mind doesn't really wander. It gets stuck in tracks. And the tracks are usually stressful and unpleasant. 

This message brought to you by me lying quietly on the couch thinking "Gee, it would be nice to be creative again" and feeling the ratchet in my chest tighten instead. 

I do want to be creative again, probably more than anything else I want just for myself. But it's proving to be more difficult than it ever has been for reasons I have a hard time articulating. I feel like I'm turning the crank on a old-school car but the engine refuses to start-- I'm sweaty but also not getting anywhere. 

All I can do is keep trying a little bit at a time: a journal entry here, a poem there, a few pages of random thoughts scribbled on legal pads. Anything is better than nothing. Sooner or later something should start to catch, to spark. I just hope it's sooner rather than later. This is a lot of work when it doesn't come with the corresponding joy.