![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Overdue 8-31-04
Ok, I apologize for skipping the last few weeks. Here's the catchup.
I got a job working at Parkland Community College teaching developmental reading-- that's reading for people who know how to spell, basically. I teach reading for what the author is actually trying to say, as opposed to reading just to understand the words on the page. It's a light classload, two classes with the same prep, and I'm already beginning to like my students. Everyone on staff's been very nice to me, and I think that I might be comfortable working at Parkland for a good long while.
Well, except for one thing. Even though I have the job, even though it's one I can do, and even though it's one that I could probably enjoy the hell out of... I'm still sweating the paralysis. Right now, for example, I need to drive back to Parkland (again), pick up a bunch of my papers and things to bring home, and then work on planning the next two weeks of lessons. I already decided to do the work at home (and pay for my own photocopies as a result), but it's going to take a few hours to get all the fiddly bits in order for the small sheaf of handouts I need. I am not doing this. I am experiencing that familiar clenching feeling and writing in my journal instead.
I've been just as emotionally fragile and unstable since I got the job as I was before... which was pretty bad. I know I've pretty much worn out my roommate J's patience; I've been a cranky, annoying bastard with him for the past month. My default style in any conversation is to try and be funny, but lately I've been a little more vicious than is strictly humorous-- and he's caught a lot of flak that I didn't honestly intend. I'm still having problems sleeping, motivating myself to do things, talking to people; I skipped the IMSAlum barbecue in town because I didn't feel up to dealing with people that afternoon (even though I'm sure I would have enjoyed myself in the end). I still feel strung out and tight all the time. I haven't checked my email or web-boards in weeks.
Now, it's possible that this is just a delay thing; my mind and body settled into panic mode a long time ago and it's going to take more than two weeks to break out of it. On the other hand, it's possible that it won't just go away in time. There are about a million positive things I could do to help myself in the meantime... but I still haven't figured out how to convince myself that the things that I do are enough.
I got a job working at Parkland Community College teaching developmental reading-- that's reading for people who know how to spell, basically. I teach reading for what the author is actually trying to say, as opposed to reading just to understand the words on the page. It's a light classload, two classes with the same prep, and I'm already beginning to like my students. Everyone on staff's been very nice to me, and I think that I might be comfortable working at Parkland for a good long while.
Well, except for one thing. Even though I have the job, even though it's one I can do, and even though it's one that I could probably enjoy the hell out of... I'm still sweating the paralysis. Right now, for example, I need to drive back to Parkland (again), pick up a bunch of my papers and things to bring home, and then work on planning the next two weeks of lessons. I already decided to do the work at home (and pay for my own photocopies as a result), but it's going to take a few hours to get all the fiddly bits in order for the small sheaf of handouts I need. I am not doing this. I am experiencing that familiar clenching feeling and writing in my journal instead.
I've been just as emotionally fragile and unstable since I got the job as I was before... which was pretty bad. I know I've pretty much worn out my roommate J's patience; I've been a cranky, annoying bastard with him for the past month. My default style in any conversation is to try and be funny, but lately I've been a little more vicious than is strictly humorous-- and he's caught a lot of flak that I didn't honestly intend. I'm still having problems sleeping, motivating myself to do things, talking to people; I skipped the IMSAlum barbecue in town because I didn't feel up to dealing with people that afternoon (even though I'm sure I would have enjoyed myself in the end). I still feel strung out and tight all the time. I haven't checked my email or web-boards in weeks.
Now, it's possible that this is just a delay thing; my mind and body settled into panic mode a long time ago and it's going to take more than two weeks to break out of it. On the other hand, it's possible that it won't just go away in time. There are about a million positive things I could do to help myself in the meantime... but I still haven't figured out how to convince myself that the things that I do are enough.